I Forget

It's the only way I've found I can move on. Forgetting what happened yesterday makes space for today. It's the only thing that gives me room to just be. I've had to let go of every single memory so there's place for some sanity of sorts. I don't recall what movies I've seen, who my favorite musicians are, what books I've read, quotes by famous people, lines from movies, or lyrics of songs.

My mind is blank and it's white noise. I don't remember what I was doing at this time last week. I don't remember being so empty. It's good because I don't hold on to any negativity. But there's nothing else there either. The bad memories are gone, but so have the good ones. The days are a blur, and there's not much meaning, but the strangest part is I'm not even looking for meaning.

I pretend to remember and do a decent job of it when I have to. I don't take pictures, I don't keep old memories, I throw out everything that I once held close to my heart. I'm not attached to any person or thing and don't know if I could ever be. I don't know if I want to remember how my life was when I'm older. Even though there's nothing wrong with it now.. I don't want even the non-memories.

I forget how people hurt me, how life's sucked, I've forgotten how I've wished and wished it was all so different, and I've swept under the rug of oblivion, the times I wished for it all to just be over. Life's seared a huge gaping hole in me that I'd rather keep empty. I forget to be upset or angry or delirious when I should. I just replace it with a smile and live each day as it comes. By now, I have my own brand of custom-made craziness that everyone identifies me with. I've forgotten how to think, or be creative, or be anything at all. I'm okay with being nothing, and I don't know if that's okay or not. To the world, I appear "normal."

The days are blending into each other and I wouldn't even be surprised if it all ended. It's a step beyond expecting nothing from life - I expect nothingness. I wonder what they call this. It doesn't bother me in the least. I also know I'll forget being aware of this state of mind I'm in, the moment I log off. Thank God (?) for fleeting moments of lucidity.