For someone whom I think I've finally stopped loving

The reason I've become so argumentative of late is that I'm trying to pick out your flaws - some discrepancy in your nature that I might have overlooked before. I'm trying to find fault with you so that I can concentrate on your shortcomings and thereby stop loving you. But I can't seem to find anything wrong with you! I don't mean to imply that you're perfect - you're not. But over time, I've come to accept all your characteristics as part of your nature; part of who you are - the person I originally fell in love with.

You're a wonderful human being. Everything you say and do is based on genuine care and concern - whether it's calling me when I'm sick; or listening to me when I have something to say; or coming to meet me on time, every time; or being in touch all the time... giving me the only flowers I've ever received... pacifying me after an argument... it's all the little things you do that made me love you, because nobody else does them, you know.

I guess you would behave the same way with all your friends, but no one has treated me the way you do. You want me to forget about us having a future together, but you're still doing everything that made me fall in love in the first place - you're being yourself. I don't know how to get out of this. If I tell you that the way to make me stop loving you is to stop being the way you are with me, I know I'll lose one of my best friends. I wish I could tell you this; even if I did, I wish you could understand. Obviously, I would choose friendship with silence than no friendship with everything out in the open. I love you too much to stop loving you.

Epic Poem

That night I looked up at the moon
Whose half I'd once dedicated to you
To have and to hold, to cherish
As a symbol of security, assurance, comfort;
Of the knowledge that you had me, my love
(Though you didn't know it then)
That night it stared back at me in its entirety,
Bathing me in pale silver love
As if you'd returned to me
What I'd entrusted to your care.
I bitterly realized that I had the moon,
The full moon beautiful, to look on... alone...
WAS HE CRYING LIKE I WAS?
I never imagined formless tears
Could hurt so bad, continuing
After I'd drawn the drapes to drown the moonlight,
Deep into the longest night I've ever lived through.
Nightmares, dreams of you, semi-conscious cognition
Tempered with cold, wet reality
Dragging me across the bottom of the black, salty ocean.
WAS HE TOSSING JUST LIKE ME?
I almost prayed that I might never wake again;
Slept, holding myself, wanting to lose myself;
Woke, in a moment, or an aeon, listening
To the call of the rising sun,
Though it was still dark within.
I wished the day would never filter through, for fear
I'd never be able to face it... my own visage
Ravaged, an indication of the pain, though calm.
I dressed, breakfast was salty;
I went, reached college early,
Detached from everyone, unseeing, unfeeling;
I still couldn't comprehend
The occurrences of that night... or why
That day... still so recent...
The cold... numbing my senses.
WAS HE STILL AWAKE, THE WAY I WAS?
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to tell you how
I still loved you, and would always.
I wanted to quote Shakespeare...
"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."
I went through the day in a daze, disillusioned;
Looking at the space before my eyes,
Seeing you in the vacuum.
WAS HE CONFUSED, TOO?
Evening came, with it, lightheartedness,
Mirth at the world; I laughed
At everything genuinely funny; I couldn't
Cut myself off from humanity, and I didn't
Want to feel so miserable anymore.
That day, I reasoned with myself, logically
Dwelled upon my thoughts
Like you had told me to; I received no reason
To continue hurting myself and thereby, hurting you...
I wondered if you'd ever call me again... and what we'd say to each other...
Whether our friendship would ever be the same.
DID HE FEEL THE FEAR I DID?
A sudden instant of grave maturity
Flashed like divine enlightenment...
Your parting words of that night
Kept reverberating in my mind,
Like a premonition... a promise
Made to keep two drifting souls together.
I recalled my belief of the philosophy
That we're all part of His plan
And that He decides when, where, who...
He would never grieve me in compensation
For all my faith in Him. I submitted, as always,
To His will, to wait for Nature to take her course
In affirming my affection for you.
I knew that day, across moments
You would always be my friend.
WAS HE ALSO THINKING OF ME?
I got my answer by a knock at the door.
This night, I feel so safe...
It doesn't matter that my love wasn't requited, because
I have a friend like you who takes away all the negativity.
You may think it ironic, but it's true.
This night, I'm touched... moved by your care...
Concern to come see me; it was necessary, essential;
It has made a world of difference to both of us.
I hold you in higher esteem, and aver
That nothing could have healed me faster and better
Than your presence. Tonight, as we rode,
The wind was suddenly not so cold;
The warmth of reassurance, laughter,
Smiles and fun was predominant.
WAS HE ALSO HAPPY TO BE WITH ME?
Tonight floats a moonless sky, unburdened;
Clear of allusions and implications,
Sparkling with a new bond of friendship
Whose value I came to know just now
And whose meaning I would never have understood
Unless we'd come full circle after
Two nights and a day.
I now feel our friendship is clearer
Than it ever was... better, in some ways
Than it used to be...
I HOPE HE FEELS THE SAME AS I.

The Person I Love The Most

Mother. Boyfriend. Brother. Best friend. Dog. Goldfish. One heart, many loves. The same feeling; different forms. Yet there is someone, for whom I feel unconditional love. He is no more than a cache of memories, whose recollection comforts me when I need it the most. He advises me, though not in spoken words. He guides me to make the right choices in life. He smiles upon me and blesses me from heaven, where he is right now. He is my father.

I used to spend hours in conflict with myself, wondering why he'd been taken away from me, and at the unfairness of it all. Why couldn't my father have been by my side when I graduated; when I got my first gold medal; when I cooked a meal for the first time; when I needed to have a good cry, or simply when I just wanted him to be there? Why did I have to listen to my friends talking about how much they missed their dads when they were just out of station?

I used to long for a sign of my father - some manifestation of the person he was. But now, my outlook has changed. I realize that my search for him was futile, for he is alive, within me. I recognize his characteristics in myself; I can see, feel and love my father in myself. It's a kind of love so much more intimate than it was when he was alive. I don't feel his loss anymore, because he is present in everything I do.

To sum up my feelings, I quote Elizabeth Barrett Browning: "I shall but love thee better after death."

Dear God...

I've sinned a lot, even after I wrote the pledge weeks ago. May 11 and 18 should never have happened. I feel as if I have no right to accept any love from anyone. Please help me out of this mess... I'm so unhappy. I want to be loved by someone, but I know I'm not worthy of his love. I wish I could be clean and pure again. Life has become so hard to live. I weakened because of the Devil's sweet talk, and I regret it like I've never regretted anything before. I know you're watching me, and that you can see everything that happens. Please give me another chance... I swear I'll live according to your will. I'm so sorry... Please forgive me.

So Personal

It's time for an identity check. Mine. Everywhere I look, I see people who are better than me. Achievers. I feel as if I have to do something in life. Be a better person. I want people to like me for who I am. Yes, I do. Facades do not become me, from the way I see it. Yet, due to some reason, my characteristics are keeping a certain person from getting closer to me. He prefers to go out with his best friend. Because now she loves him. And he doesn't want to meet me, because I love him. It's so obvious. Yet, he is a genuine person. She said the same thing. I said it too - such a real person. I must wake up and see that I am no less than her. So what if I haven't yet realized myself? Feelings must be kept in check. This is a law of humanity.

I spoke to six people today. I do have friends. People do appreciate me. They care about me. There are those who are trying to take advantage of me. I have to turn their advantage into my advantage. Have to wait for love. Games will be played. Have to try and be "it" all the time. Won't do to get caught. Have to avoid being worked up and uptight about being "it"; should learn to enjoy it, derive fun out of it, learn new ways to handle, and win, the game of life. Blissful. Put myself into the peace mode, which evolves from the "piece" mode. And look around and see how much I actually have. Though he complains I'm too close, he doesn't make any effort to back off. Read "of choices." Am I not a human enriched with the best of everything? I am in my senses. I know what's right. I derive enjoyment from a few things.

Dear God, help me strengthen the relations I've forged, and not let negativity come in between. I am not behaving entirely as I'm supposed to. Go easy on me, help me... I beg of you. I'm sure life will smoothen out eventually. And I'm waiting for it.

Friends:Hip!

Your friendship tastes of honey: natural, sweet;
Even more so because
Life would 'bee' bitter without you;
You take away the sting.
The hues of your friendship span
Grey, for your intellect;
White, for the congeniality of your smile;
Green, for the games we've won -
Who cares about the ones we lost;
Yellow, for the roses you give me;
Blue, for the jeans you look so good in;
Brown, for the honesty in your eyes.
Wisdom interlaced with quirky quips
That only you could come up with...
Aged a third of a three-score, your friendship is
Innocent maturity; I kid you not.
Intelligence Quotient, Boron, Aluminium -
A confluence of science and the humanities;
I knew friendship was an institution,
But your friendship is an education.
Logic and emotion fused in a perfectly harmonious blend,
Your friendship is a stable state of happiness
Which I like in large doses.
Balm, for the winter,
Block, for the summer...
Soothing me in times of discomfiture;
Energy which revitalises me every day,
Your friendship is magic potion that never disappears.
It is like a dress that fits perfectly -
I would never alter the way I feel about you;
You're made of the finest fabric
And your humour leaves me in stitches.
You are a secret recipe
Whose ingredients I'm slowly discovering, one by one.
I truly relish your friendship
And I would never be too satiated to savour some more.
A golden classic whose words I'll never forget,
Your friendship is an anthem in times of jubilation,
A lullaby when I need comfort;
A song which will always remain at the top of my chart.
A rare, priceless diamond, you make me feel
Richer for having known you...
Your value increases with time,
And you are my best friend.
The length of your friendship right now
Is five feet and thirteen inches,
But I hope it grows in such a way
That it will last, and last forever.

Spaces

There were millions to choose from; I waited

For the Gods to balance the galaxies and install,

Within the line of my perception,

The brightest of them all, the most beautiful;

The Star upon which I was fated to wish.

Every other pales in comparison...

Put together, their light can never match

The shadowless luminiscence of my Star.

My morning Star wakes at daybreak, alongside me, coaxing sleep from my eyes

Like a rainbow of crystal melodies.

I find solace in my Star, which takes away the jagged-edged pain

Of cold, empty glass echoes created by the shatter of

Falling stars and fallen angels.

Perpetually at its zenith, my Star has, eternally, all my adoration, appreciation and admiration.

My Lodestar in stormy waters, it is never harsh, or harmful.

We are together, yet separated by ironical distance;

My true feelings are eclipsed, yet ironically, they are no longer hidden from my Star.

I could live my life in accordance with my Star...

An exemplary Being. Which mortal wouldn't want to make it his own?

I want my day to come to a close with my evening Star

By my side... truly, I will then consider myself in the most empyreal of heavens.

Time knows whether my Star will accept me

As the one who worships it, wants it... waits for it...

If I were to wander without its astral glory,

Would my Star follow me and enshroud me in its divine halo?

Would it encompass me? Embrace me? Be the twinkling light of my life? Be my life itself?

Destiny might alter the course of nature, rendering

My Star far, far away from me, but I believe

In the answer I have found to my prayers, and in

The blessing I have received from above in the form of my Star.

I give to my Star in return, boundless, inextinguishable, free love, renascent each time I view it...

A kind of love that surpasses itself as it reaches far beyond the horizon of earthly emotions, into the recesses of eternity, where

I will love my Star forever.

The Right Choices

There is temptation all around me. And I am immersed in some of it. I've set my sight on a certain individual who possesses a certain set of mind and characteristics. I've also made a vow, to myself, that the more I give in to my own temptations, the longer it will take for that person to become mine. I want that person with all my heart. It is my goal to attain the love of that person. And even if that person cannot see the sins I'm committing all the time, God can, and He has His ways of controlling fate. Why does everything that feels so good have to be so bad? Is this test of temptation really one that has to be passed? Considering certain acts of indulgence are really harmless? Or are they? Of course they aren't. Wasn't it temptation that led to the downfall of Man? Is it really worth delaying my own Happiness from reaching me? When all I have to do is stop doing wrong things? So much easier said than done. But God has His ways of justice. And a promise made to Him cannot, should not, be broken. It's easy to succumb to temptation, and, after a while, the Conscience is numbed to all feelings of remorse or guilt or compunction. The sheer carnality of the pleasures that are before me should dissuade me from lowering myself to the level of earthly desires, and to aim for eternal happiness, which both he, and He, approve of. I know the Right Path. Now all I have to do is follow it.

Growing Up

The thrill has gone, of discovery;
Of opening presents, and looking into
The future, which I always longed for...
Not any more. It came too soon.
The enlightenment I received once, touches me no longer, though
I continue to be saturated with knowledge.
Information. Technology. These come with the world we live in.
Hard, cold, inanimate shards of jargon.
Feelings. So simple, yet so ineffable.
The years taught me to suppress them, assisted by
Elements who believe that life is better off without a touch of humaneness.
This is a supplication; please understand me
If it isn't too late already.
There was so much I had to say then, and now
I've grown up without having offered so many opinions that might have made me
A different person. A better person?
I fit the mould of nobody, but then,
I don't want to. Characteristically definite, I am like the ant, trapped in hard amber.
Safe, secure, beautiful at times; admired, loved, envied at others,
Knowing within me, as only I could,
How I wish I was not trapped; free to grow, to escape,
From the harsh stare of humanity, into
The warmth of love unblemished, unconditional - this comes with the world I live in -
My living, breathing source of precious few moments of joy.
Happiness. A craving that fluctuates in magnitude and direction
Like a shock-wave, because I am jolted whenever I actually receive it.
It was abundant once, when my needs were easily met.
But then, am I asking for too much if I want
One kind word from one who matters to me so much that I would
Give that one my speech? My senses? My life?
Instead, I am rebuffed for displaying the very feelings I was born with
I am checked for having loved; I am asked to grow up.