Whose half I'd once dedicated to you
To have and to hold, to cherish
As a symbol of security, assurance, comfort;
Of the knowledge that you had me, my love
(Though you didn't know it then)
That night it stared back at me in its entirety,
Bathing me in pale silver love
As if you'd returned to me
What I'd entrusted to your care.
I bitterly realized that I had the moon,
The full moon beautiful, to look on... alone...
WAS HE CRYING LIKE I WAS?
I never imagined formless tears
Could hurt so bad, continuing
After I'd drawn the drapes to drown the moonlight,
Deep into the longest night I've ever lived through.
Nightmares, dreams of you, semi-conscious cognition
Tempered with cold, wet reality
Dragging me across the bottom of the black, salty ocean.
WAS HE TOSSING JUST LIKE ME?
I almost prayed that I might never wake again;
Slept, holding myself, wanting to lose myself;
Woke, in a moment, or an aeon, listening
To the call of the rising sun,
Though it was still dark within.
I wished the day would never filter through, for fear
I'd never be able to face it... my own visage
Ravaged, an indication of the pain, though calm.
I dressed, breakfast was salty;
I went, reached college early,
Detached from everyone, unseeing, unfeeling;
I still couldn't comprehend
The occurrences of that night... or why
That day... still so recent...
The cold... numbing my senses.
WAS HE STILL AWAKE, THE WAY I WAS?
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to tell you how
I still loved you, and would always.
I wanted to quote Shakespeare...
"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."
I went through the day in a daze, disillusioned;
Looking at the space before my eyes,
Seeing you in the vacuum.
WAS HE CONFUSED, TOO?
Evening came, with it, lightheartedness,
Mirth at the world; I laughed
At everything genuinely funny; I couldn't
Cut myself off from humanity, and I didn't
Want to feel so miserable anymore.
That day, I reasoned with myself, logically
Dwelled upon my thoughts
Like you had told me to; I received no reason
To continue hurting myself and thereby, hurting you...
I wondered if you'd ever call me again... and what we'd say to each other...
Whether our friendship would ever be the same.
DID HE FEEL THE FEAR I DID?
A sudden instant of grave maturity
Flashed like divine enlightenment...
Your parting words of that night
Kept reverberating in my mind,
Like a premonition... a promise
Made to keep two drifting souls together.
I recalled my belief of the philosophy
That we're all part of His plan
And that He decides when, where, who...
He would never grieve me in compensation
For all my faith in Him. I submitted, as always,
To His will, to wait for Nature to take her course
In affirming my affection for you.
I knew that day, across moments
You would always be my friend.
WAS HE ALSO THINKING OF ME?
I got my answer by a knock at the door.
This night, I feel so safe...
It doesn't matter that my love wasn't requited, because
I have a friend like you who takes away all the negativity.
You may think it ironic, but it's true.
This night, I'm touched... moved by your care...
Concern to come see me; it was necessary, essential;
It has made a world of difference to both of us.
I hold you in higher esteem, and aver
That nothing could have healed me faster and better
Than your presence. Tonight, as we rode,
The wind was suddenly not so cold;
The warmth of reassurance, laughter,
Smiles and fun was predominant.
WAS HE ALSO HAPPY TO BE WITH ME?
Tonight floats a moonless sky, unburdened;
Clear of allusions and implications,
Sparkling with a new bond of friendship
Whose value I came to know just now
And whose meaning I would never have understood
Unless we'd come full circle after
Two nights and a day.
I now feel our friendship is clearer
Than it ever was... better, in some ways
Than it used to be...
I HOPE HE FEELS THE SAME AS I.
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