The Person I Love The Most

Mother. Boyfriend. Brother. Best friend. Dog. Goldfish. One heart, many loves. The same feeling; different forms. Yet there is someone, for whom I feel unconditional love. He is no more than a cache of memories, whose recollection comforts me when I need it the most. He advises me, though not in spoken words. He guides me to make the right choices in life. He smiles upon me and blesses me from heaven, where he is right now. He is my father.

I used to spend hours in conflict with myself, wondering why he'd been taken away from me, and at the unfairness of it all. Why couldn't my father have been by my side when I graduated; when I got my first gold medal; when I cooked a meal for the first time; when I needed to have a good cry, or simply when I just wanted him to be there? Why did I have to listen to my friends talking about how much they missed their dads when they were just out of station?

I used to long for a sign of my father - some manifestation of the person he was. But now, my outlook has changed. I realize that my search for him was futile, for he is alive, within me. I recognize his characteristics in myself; I can see, feel and love my father in myself. It's a kind of love so much more intimate than it was when he was alive. I don't feel his loss anymore, because he is present in everything I do.

To sum up my feelings, I quote Elizabeth Barrett Browning: "I shall but love thee better after death."